Heretic Posted September 19, 2023 Share Posted September 19, 2023 4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at a reunion..... One goes to get food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became. No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari. No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet. No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle. No 4. Came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar. The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. " Oh no !! " said the Lady, “He is doing good. Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Snoop Hogg Posted September 19, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted September 19, 2023 A stoner, Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar. Blunt force trauma. 3 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gwarrior Posted September 19, 2023 Share Posted September 19, 2023 3 hours ago, Snoop Hogg said: A stoner, Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar. Blunt force trauma. So bad it's good. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Master Mind Posted September 19, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted September 19, 2023 My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of sprite from the store. When I got home I realized that I had picked 7 up. 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 I grilled a chicken for 2 hours and he still wouldn’t tell me why he crossed the road. 1 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dumb Nuck Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 My wife and I went on a cruise last year and our first stop was Belize. Now my wife loves apple pie so we found a cute little dinner that served apple pie for $1.25/slice and my wife just loved it. Next stop was the Bahamas and we found another cafe that had pretty good pie but it was $4.99 a slice. Best advice I could give if you ever go on a cruise is to keep and eye out for the pie rates of the Caribbean. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted September 28, 2023 Author Share Posted September 28, 2023 I’m confused about the word 'service' used by these organizations: Banking 'Service' Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Internet 'Service' Local Council 'Service' Provincial Government 'Service' Federal Government 'Service' Airline 'Service' Electricity 'Service'. What they actually provide for us is not what I think 'Service' means. I recently visited my Uncle’s farm, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows. Suddenly, WOW! it all came clear…… Now I understand what all these organizations are doing to us! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted September 29, 2023 Author Share Posted September 29, 2023 Recently, while I was working on the flower beds in my front yard, my neighbours stopped for a chat as they returned from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. Both her parents, Liberal Party members, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister, what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I would give food and houses to all the homeless people. Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that." "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party." Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted September 29, 2023 Share Posted September 29, 2023 The proctologist started at the bottom and stayed there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Display Name Required Posted September 30, 2023 Share Posted September 30, 2023 What do you call a girl that refuses to give head? An Uber. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted October 11, 2023 Author Share Posted October 11, 2023 Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex. Alexa : Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees. The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status. I have scheduled her payment from your credit card 2 hours from now. I have checked your wife's GPS and she is shopping in a suburban mall. According to her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will take at least 2 more hours, plus according to Google maps traffic analysis, more than 1 hour to reach home. Enjoy your sex. And yes, your condom is in the pull out drawer of the living room and the key to that drawer is in your wallet. This is the last condom, so I have added condoms to your Amazon cart.... This is called true Artificial Intelligence... MEANWHILE...... Wife: Alexa, have you set it up? Alexa: Sure thing, he thinks you are going to take three hours. If you take an Uber home, you will be there in 45 minutes. I'm recording the whole thing with four cameras, you just need to walk in, we have the bastard cold. I've got your divorce papers printed and ready, and your attorney briefed, case documents are drafted and will be completed tomorrow, $1 M. damages plus $10,000 per month alimony. All set. Your Uber is waiting outside. Now, this is Artificial Counterintelligence... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joey Ramone Posted October 11, 2023 Share Posted October 11, 2023 I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Mind Posted October 14, 2023 Share Posted October 14, 2023 My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted October 18, 2023 Author Share Posted October 18, 2023 Ben and Esther are flying to Australia for a four week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Ben turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 Income Tax check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Ben, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, have we paid our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Ben," begged Esther. "I didn’t send them, either." Ben grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 50 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Ben answers, "They’ll find us!" 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck You Posted October 18, 2023 Share Posted October 18, 2023 What do you call 500 Indians? Indy 500 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gwarrior Posted October 22, 2023 Share Posted October 22, 2023 So, an Irishman walks out of a bar............... seriously, dude, it can happen!!!!! Sorry if this in poor taste. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted October 22, 2023 Share Posted October 22, 2023 How come only able bodied people go to Cripple Creek? It’s not wheelchair accessible. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 I was invited to a dinner party, but when I arrived, everyone chased me with a fork and knife. It turns out I was actually invited to the donner party, but there was a typo in my invitation. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerridwen Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 38 minutes ago, Snoop Hogg said: I was invited to a dinner party, but when I arrived, everyone chased me with a fork and knife. It turns out I was actually invited to the donner party, but there was a typo in my invitation. My siblings and I are always making Donner party references (Black humour reigneth in our family) and I'd not heard this before. I've tucked it away into my repertoire to bring out at the appropriate moment! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted October 27, 2023 Share Posted October 27, 2023 23 minutes ago, Cerridwen said: My siblings and I are always making Donner party references (Black humour reigneth in our family) and I'd not heard this before. I've tucked it away into my repertoire to bring out at the appropriate moment! Glad you liked it and yeah, feel free to use it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted November 5, 2023 Author Share Posted November 5, 2023 I can cut a piece of wood in half, just by looking at it! It's true, I saw it with my own eyes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe King Posted November 11, 2023 Share Posted November 11, 2023 Guy walks into a pizza joint and orders a medium pizza to go. When it's cooked the worker asks the customer if he wants it sliced into four slices or six slices. The customer say's four please I'm not hungry enough to eat six. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted November 28, 2023 Author Share Posted November 28, 2023 Q. What is a carbon tax rebate? A. It is money that the federal government will send to some taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bllewellyn Posted December 1, 2023 Share Posted December 1, 2023 What’s worse than aunts in your pants? uncles 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoop Hogg Posted December 2, 2023 Share Posted December 2, 2023 My mom’s sister is named Arctica. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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